A truthful, real relationship is co created moment by moment. If the question of a particular compromise is "up" for two people, the thing to do is for each to express what he or she wants and to acknowledge that he or she also wants the other to feel satisfied. This is Truth Skill #8, Holding Differences or Embracing Multiple Perspectives. In other words, start with the belief that somehow, with enough good communication, both people can be satisfied. Differences are often scary. We imagine that having conflicting wants may destroy the relationship or at least do a lot of damage. So we don't give ourselves a chance to really express our wants, feelings, and fears. If we did, we'd learn how to do this while maintaining a spirit of good will. We'd learn that we can be committed to our own wants while still being committed to helping the other feel satisfied.

In the case of Serena and Ned, while Ned feel angry and frustrated with her decision, he never felt disrespected or unloved. And eventually, after he saw that Serena's clarity of intent was not about him or her love for him, he accepted the situation and even welcomed it as a useful learning opportunity. He learned some important lessons that were far more valuable than getting his own way. For example, he learned that getting someone to confirm to his wishes has nothing to do with being loved. In fact, Ned found that he felt more trusting of Serena's love when she did not confirm to his wishes. He learned that he could tolerate frustration and still feel okey, and he learned that he could express his frustration and anger to her and the relationship would be okey. I know Ned before he met Serena. He had always been able to get women to give him his way by using a variety of wll-honed power tactics. He had confused "getting his own way" with being loved. Through holding differences Ned and Serena came away with a sense of empowerment and love that does not come cheaply. Rushing to compromise is what most lovers do because the anxiety associated with conflict is too uncomfortable. Instead, Ned and Serena chose to stay connected in a way that did not deny or downplay their differences.